Life From the Back of a Canoe

Back in college I spent a few years working at a church camp I grew up attending.  One of my responsibilities was as the canoe instructor teaching the kids and teens how to navigate their boats on a large lake, and then rescuing them when they had troubles or tipped.  This, interestingly, is how I met my wife. 

Right before our wedding, my father-in-law gave me a canoe paddle that said, “Heidi’s co-pilot” and talked to me about marriage as teamwork not unlike canoeing.  Recently, I’ve thought about that and wanted to hash this image out a little bit more in two contexts—in our walks with Christ, and in our walks in marriage. 

Let me first describe canoeing for those inexperienced or unfamiliar with it.  In canoeing, a long, narrow boat is involved with usually two paddlers.  Some canoes can handle more, but typically, canoeing is a two-person activity, and we’ll focus on that image.  There are usually two seats, one in front, one in back.  When both canoeists are paddling, they can make good time across water be it lake, stream, or river.  However, there are a couple of things to consider.

First, the heaviest person should sit in back, lightest in front.  This allows for optimal maneuverability and speed.  With the heaviest person in back, the canoe sits lower in the water in the rear and higher in the front allowing the boat to glide over the water and turn with less effort.  If the heavier person is in the front, the front of the canoe will dig in instead of glide over the water making turning sluggish and almost impossible. 

The exception is in extremely high winds.  In high winds, it is sometimes appropriate for the heavy person to sit in front if canoeing into the wind because the heavy person acts somewhat like the pivot point on a wind vane and helps keep the canoe from spinning sideways and possibly being capsized.  However, care should be taken to consider extreme differences in weight.  When a person weighs considerably more than their partner, a canoe can dig in too much in the front and allow waves to come over the bow.  In this situation, the heavier person should sit on the floor of the canoe behind the front seat to help more evenly distribute the weight but still keep the boat pointed into the waves. 

Usually, the heaviest person is also the strongest and should serve as the pilot.  The pilot should always be the person in the back.  As the pilot, he can observe the person in front of him, recognize her strengths and weaknesses, see what side she is paddling on, and adjust accordingly.  The person sitting in front can see nothing but the water in front of her.  She cannot pilot, because she cannot see what the person behind her is doing in order to affect change in direction.  When the person in front tries to pilot, a canoe often turns in circles in a constant duel of power between the two. 

To go in a straight line, the canoeists should paddle on opposite sides of the canoe.  The person in front should paddle on whatever side she feels comfortable with, and the person in the rear should adjust accordingly paddling on whichever side will keep the canoe going in a line, sometimes one side, sometimes the other. 

To make a long turn, the team can communicate to paddle on the same side.  Both paddlers paddling on the right side makes the canoe go left.  Both paddlers paddling on the left side makes the canoe go right. 

To make a tight turn, the pilot can simply “dig-in” (push the paddle straight down in the water and hold tight) with his paddle or paddle backwards on the same side as they want to go while the person in front canoes on the opposite side.  This can slow the canoe but will turn it quickly. 

As with all things, communication is key.  When I canoe as the pilot, I typically tell the person in front to do whatever feels comfortable for her, and I’ll do the rest.  I let her enjoy the trip, paddling as much or as little as she wants, and I provide a smooth ride.  If we race another canoe, I give instructions, encouragement, and cheer her on. 

There are some things you should not do when canoeing.  First, you never stand up in a canoe.  This is what causes most canoe flips.  Second, you do not rock or bounce a canoe which also causes flips.  Third, when canoeing in choppy water, try to canoe perpendicular to large waves, preferably canoeing into them rather than away from them. 

Canoeing with the Savior

So, how does this relate to our walk with God?  Imagine, for a moment, a child canoeing with a father.  The father, a good canoeist, sets his child in front, puts a lifejacket on him, an oar in his hands, and says, “all right son, here we go.”  The child sits down.  He has the best seat in the house. From his seat, he can see anything.  He can paddle to his heart’s content, he can switch sides back and forth as much as he wants, or he can simply sit and relax and take in the sights and sounds. 

The father, though he has all the real work to do, gets to watch his child’s excitement at the adventure while navigating his beloved from one “dad, let’s go see that!” to another.  The father has been here many times, with each of his children.  And with each child, there are different experiences. 

Sometimes a child is nervous and needs more patience, guidance, and a strong hand to hold onto.  Sometimes a child is so excited he jumps or falls out of the boat and must be rescued. 

Sometimes the water is calm and serene and gives time for deep conversations and awe-inspiring silence. 

Sometimes the water is so choppy the front end of the canoe drives out of the water and slams down with a noisy slap like the beat of a drum striking fear and screams of terror in the child’s heart with every crash. 

Sometimes a speed boat flies by and threatens to swamp the boat with wake.

Sometimes a gentle breeze ushers the flavors of spring wildflowers across the waters. 

Sometimes brutal winds make it feel like the canoe is stuck and will never reach safety. 

Sometimes it is sunny, and warm, and beautiful. 

Sometimes a surprise storm comes on so fast there is no time to seek cover. 

 Every time, the father is there, watching over the child, directing the canoe, balancing the canoe despite the unpredictable movements of the child, and pushing the canoe in a direction that he knows is best for the child.  Along the way, sometimes, He is able to show the child some special things when the child cooperates.  When the child refuses to cooperate, sometimes it changes the trajectory of the canoe enough that they miss out on some of the magical things He had planned for them.  Sometimes the child wants to see something in waters the father knows are too dangerous and He makes sure to guide the canoe away from that area despite the pleas of the child.  However, it seems there have been times some children have been able to force the canoe into those dark waters and have been lost to the dangers the father pleaded with him to avoid, and other times, some children have completely disregarded their father’s directions and fallen or jumped out of the boat and not been able to be rescued at the father’s dismay. 

 But when the father’s children have listened, followed directions, and cooperated, they have always had the time of their lives and lived to tell about it. 

 Whether we like it or not, Jesus is our pilot.  He is the biggest and strongest.  He knows how to get us where we need to go.  He can get us there in due time with the least exhausting, most enjoyable speed.  He knows how to avoid dangers and deal with choppy water.  It doesn’t mean every trip on the water will be perfect or without fears.  It just means, in the end, we will arrive with Him by our side.

The same Jesus who slept through the storm on a boat while the disciples cowered

The same Jesus who calmed that storm with a few simple words

The same Jesus who came walking across the waters and called Peter to step out of the boat

The same Jesus who pulled Peter out of the water when he lost faith

This same Jesus calls us to trust Him.

This same Jesus calls us to get in His canoe, let Him pilot, and enjoy the ride.

 We have the choice to make the best or worst of the ride.  While God is in control, He is not a controlling God.  To be controlling is to limit our freedom.  To limit our freedom is to limit our will.  To limit our will is to limit our obedience. To limit our obedience is to limit our love (after all, what do we really have to offer the one who set the stars in motion—only our complete and utter devotion).  To limit our love is to miss the point of our existence.  We were made for this ride.  We were made to sit in the front and revel in His presence and the splendor of His creation as He takes pleasure in watching and loving us as a father while directing us safely over the waters. 

We were made for this.  But we were not made to be controlled.  We were made to be loved and to reciprocate that love—neither of which can happen if we are being controlled.  A love that is not free to leave is not love and is not loved.  A love that is not free to choose is not love and is not loved.  A love that is not free to get out of the boat simply is not love and is not loved.  So, we must ask, do we want to get in the boat and let love guide?  From my experience, it’s a beautiful ride. 

Canoeing with my spouse

In marriage, the image of the canoe is no less appropriate.  A canoe operates best with two people.  I’ve canoed before by myself.  It’s hard work—especially in a storm with white caps and heavy winds (I didn’t see that one coming until it was too late, and I seriously wasn’t sure I would survive).  By yourself, a canoe wants to turn like a compass needle.  By yourself, you need to kneel on the floor of the boat in the middle, and it’s downright painful over long periods of time.  By yourself, you must constantly paddle switching sides back and forth each time—it’s exhausting.  By yourself, you have no one to help you if the canoe flips and smacks you in the head.  By yourself, you have no one to splash and laugh with or share the experience with.  Canoeing by yourself can be fun on perfect waters, but it’s nowhere near as enjoyable or as rewarding as with someone else. 

Now, let’s consider this alongside the model of marriage shared in

Ephesians 5:21-33

21 Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. 24 Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. 33 Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

 It’s hard for some to consider this idea of being subject to one another.  But, let’s suggest for a moment that God ordained marriage like a canoe ride.  The woman, in most physical contexts (of course there are exceptions, but exceptions do not define the rule), is the smaller and weaker canoeist and thus belongs in the front, whereas the man is typically the larger, stronger canoeist.  Granted, this is not always true, but let’s go with it and stick with the model that seems to be apparent in this passage. 

While some have suggested that women being “subject” to a husband as being subservient, is this true in a canoe?  In a canoe, the front person is subject to the direction and speed of the person in the back, but in a canoe, the person in front is also the person who is most free to do as she pleases.  She gets to see the sights from the best seat in the house.  She gets to relax and enjoy the trip.  She needs to participate in paddling if the ride is to be enjoyable for both persons, but the responsibility for the boat, its occupants, and its direction is not on her shoulders. 

On the other hand, the person in the back of the canoe is responsible for the entire trip.  It is his responsibility to know where they are going and how to get there.  He is responsible for speed, direction, and safety.  He is responsible to communicate, encourage, support, challenge, and direct.  He is responsible for safety when storms come about, when the wind blows, when waves try to swamp the boat.  He is responsible to know whether the couple is capable of reaching their intended destination or if they are biting off more than they can chew.  He is responsible if they don’t make it and have to call for help.  He is responsible when the boat tips.  He is responsible.  He is responsible.  HE IS RESPONSIBLE. 

Now, problems can arise when the person in front tries to take over these responsibilities.  This can cause the canoe to turn in circles, get stuck on a beach, tip over, get lodged under a tree (also not fun—I’ve been there in a river), or even go over a waterfall.  And as we have discussed, other problems can arise when the smaller person tries to sit in the back.  Again, this goes against canoeing wisdom. 

On the other hand, no fewer problems arise when the pilot refuses to do his job.  When he is bossy and lords it over his canoeing partner, or demands everything be done his way, it makes for a lousy day on the water.  When he refuses to take responsibility for the movements of the canoe, direction, speed, and safety, it makes for a dangerous or at least exhausting trip.  If he freezes when a storm arises or the water gets choppy, they both get wet or even drown.  When he blames everyone else for a bad day on the water, who would want to get back in the boat with him?  Maybe this image of two canoeists as spouses clarifies this passage better than previous images. 

Sadly, some get an image of a king and a maidservant in their head when they read this passage—as if a woman is supposed to put up with a dictator who gets his way at every turn.  That is in no way what this scripture outlines.  Some translations divide verse 21 from the rest of the passage, showing an obvious bias towards men, but these divisions were not a part of the original manuscripts.  In reality, the passage calls both husbands and wives to be subject to one another through a commitment to loving each other how we are wired to experience love. 

Look how it explains how a woman is to love her husband:

 22 Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. 24 Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.

 In what way are women subject to the Lord?  In what way is the church subject to Christ?  Are they slaves?  Are they maidservants?  Are they confined to “women’s work?” No.  Subjection to the Lord is

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matt 11:28-30 (NLT)

 “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment.39 A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” Matt 22:37-40 (NLT)

 34 So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.35 Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”  John 13:34-35 (NLT)

 5 “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.6 Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned.7 But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted!8 When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.9 “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love.10 When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love.11 I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow!12 This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you.13 There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.14 You are my friends if you do what I command.15 I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me.16 You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.17 This is my command: Love each other. John 15:5-17 (NLT)

 Need I say more (seriously, I could probably pop in a hundred more passages just like those)?  I still can’t find that “women’s work” passage.  The “wait on me hand and foot” verse still evades me.  I’ve read scripture over and over again and “you’ll do whatever I tell you to, when I tell you to, how I tell you to” demand just isn’t there.  What I find is, subjection to Christ is simply put “to respect love.”  That’s it.  Do love. 

So, what does that look like for a man?  How does a man experience love most fulfilling? Men typically experience love through admiration and respect.  They long to be revered as protector and provider—husbands may sometimes use words to convey love to their wives, but they prefer to show love by protecting and providing.   It’s just hardwired into our very nature. It’s our duty.  Our function.  It’s why the male gender is typically interested or in some ways infatuated with violence even from an early age. It’s not because men are innately violent or because they want to be violent, but because they are wired to be protectors, and their minds hunger for information and experience to practice and prepare for that role by learning strategy and ability, as well as ethical boundaries and appropriate uses.  It’s also why superheroes and role models who may employ violence only when necessary are critical to their development. Thus, husbands need to feel appreciated as a leader to know that when life and security are at stake, they will have the authority to see the family through to safety—to know that with a moment’s notice the family will fall in line to survive under his guidance. In many ways, loving a husband is allowing him to show His love the best way he knows how. 

It’s not that men don’t appreciate words of affection (e.g. “I love you,” “I think you’re so handsome” etc), it’s that men are wired for form (e.g. men’s affinity for the form of cars and human—particularly female—anatomy) and function (e.g. men’s affinity for the functions of cars and human—particularly female—anatomy).  This is to say men are wired for tangibility—what they can see, what they can touch, hear, what they can experience. 

The highest form of affection for a man is respect shown (I’m sure some would argue that what happens in the bedroom is the highest form of affection for a man.  Let’s be honest, in our culture, sex has lost its link to love and affection.  While it is still a beautiful bonding experience for a married couple, we’ve manipulated it in so many ways that it just doesn’t hold the true value to a person’s heart that it should.  It’s too easy to come by.  It’s too easy to fake.  It would be too easy to find somewhere else.  But only the love of a committed spouse is willing to “subject” oneself to someone else’s leadership).  The highest function of respect for a man is to be followed—to willingly subject oneself to his leadership.  Words of affection do not impress, do not have the same power in a man’s heart as knowing he is needed for his functions (as a husband and/or father), and respected for his wisdom and decision-making abilities.  To a man, words are easily manipulated, but consistent action and behavior are proof. 

When a husband knows his wife is not only willing but also wants to follow him, then he knows he is loved, needed, wanted, and appreciated.  When a wife brags on her husband to her friends and family about how he makes her feel safe and well-cared for, then he is overwhelmed with a sense of being loved.  Men are innately insecure beings.  They need to know they are the form of what their wives want and performing the function of what their wives need.  They need to know they are fulfilling their duties—to protect and provide. 

Let’s not miss an important point here though.  The assumption here is that the husband really is performing his duties—that he is respectable, and the wife has something to brag about.  Some men, usually those who have that “I am the king, she is the servant” image of this passage, seem to think the husband can do whatever he wants and the wife is still supposed to respect him.  That is the problem with interpreting this passage like this.  For one, Jesus didn’t act like this, and we’ll come back to this idea.  Secondly, while love is free and unconditional, respect is earned.  A wife may love a husband but not respect him if he treats her like a pack-mule.  A good husband, and a true man, understands this and works hard to be that honorable man of God.  And when he is, it’s easy for a wife to “subject” herself to his leadership.  My wife tells me women want that—they want a man who takes care of them and provides that leadership with affection. 

For a woman to fulfill this has nothing to do with being a slave, servant, maid, housekeeper, or any other inequality.  Reading any form of inequality into this passage shows a complete disregard to verses 21 and 22 (“as you are to the Lord).”  This passage has no intention of suggesting male supremacy over women.  While Jesus is certainly supreme over the church, that’s not the point.  The point was His example.  At no point in His ministry did He consider His supremacy (see Philippians 2), point to His supremacy, nor exalt His own supremacy to gain power over the church by demanding its obedience. In fact, He outright rejected those strategies when He told Satan to go take a hike during His temptations.  Instead, He humbly set an example of love and laid down His life for the mistakes of His bride.  This passage is about love and sacrifice—not supremacy. 

I’m confident in this because the Word spells it out quite clearly. 

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 in order to make her holy by cleansing her with the washing of water by the word, 27 so as to present the church to himself in splendor, without a spot or wrinkle or anything of the kind—yes, so that she may be holy and without blemish.

 Look at the functions.  The Word synonymizes “love” with “give yourself up.”  What does that mean?  Did Jesus, in the Garden say, “screw this, my church is going to do what I tell it to do?”  No.  Did He say, “Sorry, I’m hangin’ out with my 12 bros instead of doing what needs to be done because I’m the man of the house?” No.  He said, “not my will but yours be done.”  Not once did He put His desire before His wife’s needs.  NO!  He died to Himself to “make her holy”—literally to set her apart as a special offering to Himself.

You could say He put her on a pedestal (glorified her) as an object of desire and beauty to be cherished. While some men throw a fit about their wives making them look bad at the company Christmas party, Jesus holds up His sin-stained, tattered, disheveled bride called the church and says, “Wow, isn’t she beautiful—I love her flaws and all.” Does that sound like he banished her to the maid’s closet until He needed her to do His dirty work or wanted her for His own gratification?  NO!  It sounds like He hooked her up with the keys to the kingdom.  It sounds like He put her above all else.

And how does this translate into how we are to love our wives?  Does it not say that we are to sacrifice ourselves to set our wives apart as objects of our adoration?  Sometimes that looks like, “ok wife, not my will, but yours be done.”  This isn’t to say that the husband is now the slave of the wife, but to say that his priorities change from “this is my money and my time, and I’ll do with it what I want,” to “this is our money, and our time, and we should work together to come to a consensus to do with it what is best for our oneness.” 

It also says that we are to put our wives on that pedestal above all other women as the sole object of our desire and adoration.  That no other woman, no other image of a woman, no other video of a woman, nor any memory of a woman should receive the captivation of our heart, through thought or action, public or private, that belongs to our wives. 

Then He explains it another way.  He says,

28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. 33 Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

 What exactly do you do for your own body?  You do not just put any old clothes on it.  You put on the most comfortable clothes you can afford (or choose to afford—I prefer them cheap and comfortable), that make you feel good about yourself, that project the kind of person you want people to see you as—that bring you the kind of honor you desire.  You do not just feed it any food.  If you are wise, you feed it healthy food that pleases you, and then you treat yourself to something extra tasty now and then (or in my case, daily).  You do not just wash yourself.  You use soaps and shampoos and scents that make you feel good about yourself (manly scents of course).  If you get injured, do you not bind up the wounds or seek medical attention, and give yourself time to heal?  And if you are attacked, do you not defend yourself? 

What does this say about how we are to treat our wives?  Do I need to spell it out?

Again, the wisdom of God’s Word shows how deeply He understands us by expressing His awareness of how women experience love as He designed them.  Women are typically wired to experience love through adoration.  They long for affection, for romance, for compliment, for words and actions of commitment and fidelity. They feel most loved when they are put up on that pedestal, set apart as the sole beneficiary of the husband’s affections, when they are appreciated for their form and functions (not just as wives, but also best friends of their husbands, as mothers, and co-equals) and when they are provided for, not just the minimum for survival, but in ways that express an appreciation for the things that make them beautiful (inside and out) by accentuating those attributes. 

I want to reiterate; this passage does not differentiate ANY form of “women’s work” suggesting that women are to be confined to domestic duties and the making and raising of babies.  Instead, adoration assumes the wife is so loved that the husband would sacrifice his preferences for her desires, that he would be passionate about her holistic (social, physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual) fulfillment, that he would use his leadership to increase her joy, protect her from harm, and provide her with a healthy home life.  After all, isn’t the call for husbands to live as Christ did for the church?  Have we forgotten exactly what it was He actually did? Maybe we have spent too much time reading the responsibilities of the wife, and too little time focusing on our own. It seems to me, “subject” here, looks more like life from the front of a canoe than life under the demands of a tyrant as centuries of misogyny have prescribed.

My wife and I have been living this image of two canoeists for 16 years now, and while we’ve seen our winds, waves, rains, and storms, we fare them well because when the water is good, and the sun is shining, she shows me the respect and admiration I crave and I show her the adoration she longs for, and these things unite us as a team for those obstacles ahead of us.  It is her gratitude for my strength in taking these responsibilities that motivates her to paddle hard when we need it, and to turn around occasionally and check on me.  It’s my appreciation for her choosing to climb in my boat and navigate these waters with me that pushes me to grow even stronger.  Together we make a great team.  We balance each other out.  We move as one.  We think as one.  We act as one.  We experience as one.  We wouldn’t have it any other way, and I’m pretty sure this is the way God intended.  And I gotta say, I love my wife and my life from the back of a canoe.